the kilipino

ha upei

2009-04-18T05:56:00.000-07:00

mama hilda left yesterday morning for ciudad del este, so my host brothers arturo and jorgito were left to take care of themselves.

last night, i couldnt hold in my disbelief as arturo invited me to the dinner table. he had prepared a typical paraguayan dish, and it was actually super rico.

two years ago when i arrived to site, he was a typical machismo paraguayan man. not because he meant to be, but mostly because of stereotypical gender roles. he worked out in the field, sometimes in construction, but had no idea how to wash clothes or cook. being the youngest son left in the house, his mother always took care of him and spoiled him.

a few weeks ago, he proposed to his girlfriend. last night at dinner, when i asked him if he was going to help her out in the house, he replied, "of course. we are going to do everything together. im not going to leave her to wash my clothes and cook my meals."

as americans, many of us enter peace corps thinking that we are going to change things in a big way. open libraries. health posts. bring running water and brick ovens. change the lives of hundreds of people and leave our service feeling like gods.

but the truth is, many of us have sat around for the past two years, struggling to get out of bed every day. trying to find work, or at least something to make the day go faster. we have applied for project funding and been rejected, hid in our houses on rainy days, and spent the thousands of hours doing nothing but visiting with the people.

some of us feel like failures, but im starting to realize that all of the hours of visiting does eventually amount to something. we just need to accept that as success.

for two years, i watched teo interact with the people in my site. he washed my clothes and cooked my meals, as my neighbors and host families watched from afar. he played with the kids, and taught them how to say please and thank you. he reminded them to brush their teeth, and scolded them when they threw their trash on the ground. he pulled them aside when they were naughty, and explained to them why they couldnt act that way.

i dont know if he realizes how much hes accomplished during his service in paraguay, but i will always be proud of him. some men in my community are starting to copy his behaviors. they help out at home. they dont hit their kids when they are naughty. they try to spend more time playing with their children, and support their wives decisions to go back to school. they want their wives to become more educated....

now all we can do is hope that this behavior continues and multiplies....

and thats all i have left to write.

thank you for reading my blog for the past two years.

ill see you on the 5th of may.

locura automatica

2009-02-19T11:31:00.000-08:00

although we did have an amazing time on our trip to patagonia, i must say, i am relieved to be back in paraguay.

as we sat around in hostels chatting with extensive travelers, i had an ongoing sense of discomfort. i thought that i would be ok with staying in hostels, cooking and sharing rooms with complete strangers. living out of a backpack. having two outfits to wear, and always feeling dirty. i thought that i wouldnt feel awkward, especially since its been over two years since ive had a home.

and then i realized the cause of my discontent.

i missed paraguay. i missed having the kids annoy me every 20 minutes. i missed drinking mate in the morning with teo. argentinian yerba sucks. i missed my peace corps friends. talking on the phone for hours on rainy days. sitting in my hammock and eating popcorn with cecilia.

i had already gotten used to missing my life back in the states, but for the first time, i missed my life in paraguay. i guess i never realized how comfortable ive become with the lifestyle and the people, and now im sad that i only have two months left. im afraid that after i go back to the states, i will miss my paraguayan life.

my host brother is getting married in may. everyone is coming home from buenos aires for the wedding and i wont be around for it. sad day.

emmie and romy

2009-01-13T07:29:00.000-08:00

as dumb as it sounds, im still surprised when paraguayans ask me where i learned to dance.... or why i know how to swim.... where i learned karate....

i just forget how priviledged we are in the states.

i feel guilty about taking things for granted. as a child, i didnt realize how lucky i was when my parents dropped me off at ballet classes. i whined and whined about not wanting to go, and i never stopped to think about the sacrifices that my parents were making for me.

every night, my parents fed me dinner then sent me off to ballet. karate. swim lessons. piano. girl scouts. they bought my uniforms and costumes. bathing suits and goggles. leotard after leotard so that i could always have something pretty to wear. they always made sure they were home from work so that they could feed me and get me to class on time.

.... and now, i think of my parents every time paraguayans ask my why im not scared to get in the water and swim. paraguayans smile when i play the guitar and sing, and they ask me where i learned to play. they ask me to teach dance classes, and want me to share everything that i know how to do.

and i have my parents to thank.

i love you mom and dad.

año nuevo

2009-01-03T05:15:00.000-08:00

im sick and staying at the chaco with nothing to do.... gonna fill out this fancy quiz that i stole from kate and william....

1. What did you do in 2008 that you’d never done before?
get married, not wash my hands for over 24 hours

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
i typically hate resolutions, but i promised my suegra that this year i would work on not taking things personally

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
holy balls. people back home are pushing out babies like crazy

4. Did anyone close to you die?
yes

5. What countries did you visit?
united states, argentina

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
air conditioning, a job with more structure and higher productivity, hot water

7. What dates from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
27 de september- kinda got married, wicked good time, many people fell into trash pits

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
cecilia brushes her teeth regularly, kati yells at people for littering, people in my site use condoms.... all of the small changes add up:)

9. What was your biggest failure?
getting rejected by the municipalidad for fogon project funding

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
i was probably sick for 90% of 2008

11. What was the best thing you bought?
spandex pants

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
teo- because he lives in a shack with no water and no bathroom

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
im not quite sure.... i have no idea whats going on in the states, and life down here is tranquilopa:)

14. Where did most of your money go?
pretty jewelry in buenos aires, wedding stuff

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
juice hour, wedding, booking travel plans to patagonia

16. What song will always remind you of 2008?
better than ezra- king of new orleans

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? happier. much happier.
b) thinner or fatter? fatter.... i think i had giardia or some stomach thing last december
c) richer or poorer? ha ha ha ha. i have $1.00

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
studying, keeping up with the news back home

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
following mate with terere and thinking that i wouldnt get sick

20. How did you spend Christmas?
with the liboons

21. Did you fall in love in 2008?
kinda a lot

22. What was your favorite TV program?
HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER IS THE BESTEST TV SHOW EVER

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
probably not. everyone has kinda grown on me, even if i didnt like them when we first got to paraguay

24. What was the best book you read?
still life with woodpecker

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?
locura automatica

26. What did you want and get?
liboon family vacation, my parents and sibling coming to paraguay to see my site and meet my host family

27. What did you want and not get?
koi sunglasses, world peace

28. What was your favorite film of this year?
batman

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
i turned 28.... hung out at the chaco?

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
nothing. im content

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
i officially look like a campo señora, complete with spandex, faded tank tops, and no make-up

32. What kept you sane?
juice hour, cecilia, teo

33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
neal patrick harris on how i met your mother

34. What political issue stirred you the most?
prop 8

35. Who did you miss?
best friends from the dub, liboons, derdoskis, former labmates

36. Who was the best new person you met?
nilda

37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008.
making time for people that you care about isnt as difficult or time consuming as people in the states make it out to be

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
its the end of the world as we know it

pinguinos

2008-12-26T05:32:00.001-08:00

IM SO EXCITED.

we just booked our flight to ushuaia, and we will be leaving on february 2. 18 hour bus ride to buenos aires, then a 4 hour flight to ushuaia.

.... and we are taking a bus from ushuaia back to paraguay. 30 hours from ushuaia to bariloche, 18 hours from bariloche to buenos aires, and 18 hours from buenos aires to paraguay.

che paraguay

2008-12-26T04:53:00.000-08:00

4 months. 4 months. ill be home in 4 months.

HOORAY!!

ok, so maybe i wont be home in exactly 4 months, but ill be done with service!! teo and i might travel for a bit afterwards, but we will be home for sure some time in may.

hooray hooray. kinda sad to leave my host family and community, but i miss my family and friends back home.

i feel like the next 4 months should pass rather quickly. my family from buenos aires is coming to visit in january to celebrate mama hildas birthday, i have a three day vacation at a chuchi resort for my close of service conference, and theres also a huge fiesta in caazapa, the pueblo near my site. teo and i are planning a trip to bariloche, el calafate y ushuaia in february. i plan on staying in site for march and april.... AND THEN IM DONE.

the other teodoro

2008-12-20T09:14:00.002-08:00

"do you believe in God?" he asked me.

"what?" i replied, somewhat surprised by his question.

"do you believe in God?" he repeated again, then sat back at waited for my answer.

it was four o'clock in the morning, and we were drinking mate on his front porch. teodoro, brother-in-law of my paraguayan best friend, and i sat around waiting for ana to pack her things so that we could get to the airport before six o'clock. normally, i wouldnt have tolerated such tomfoolery and woken up so early to straighten her hair and lend her my mascara.... but seeing as how my hopeless romantic side still lives on, i couldnt say no to ana when she asked me to accompany her to the airport.

i sat back and thought about my answer. well yes, of course i believe, but i was just surprised that he even asked. hes an older, gray haired paraguayan man, that i assumed would be more on the conservative side and try to push religion on me had i answered no to his question.

"yes," i answered. "in fact, i was raised Catholic, and although i am not the best practicing Catholic, i still believe in God and feel verguenza when i do, or contemplate doing, something that i am not supposed to. i try to follow the rules."

"pero, te casaste con un hombre, y tu marido no es Catolico, verdad?" he said, looking at me like i should give him a really good answer for this one.

yes yes, i know that teo is not Catholic, but that he still believes in God i explained. we dont share the same religion, and thats why we were not allowed to have our ceremony in the community oratorio. thats why we had to have an outdoor wedding, although we were told that we should just lie so that we could have a more formal ceremony in the oratorio/iglesia. we didnt want to start our marriage with a lie, we love and accept each other regardless of religion, and we didnt want to lie just to please the members of my community.

"i know," he told me. "i heard about what happened to the two of you, and how you werent allowed en la iglesia. your host mom told me about the difference in religion, and that your husband is a good man. he loves you and is faithful, and the two of you work together and travel for hours to see each other."

and then he told me something that i will never forget.

he told me that teo and i are exactly what the people here need to see. in a world full of religious wars, and people fighting over something indefinite, people need to see that we can accept each other. we can love others that have different beliefs, and that all we need to do is respect each others. he didnt understand why that was so hard for the world to understand.

he told me that people like teo and i end wars. we bring peace. we work to teach about equality and working together, all for the betterment of humanity.

and ive been teary eyed ever since.

its been bugging me all day, mostly because i dont think that i deserve the kind things that he said to me. im shocked, because its the nicest thing that any paraguayan has ever said to me. not gonna lie, for the past few months ive just been tired. tired of hearing the same conversations about the weather, problems about the economy, how hard life is in paraguay and how poor they are, strangers questioning how much guarani i understand, children harassing me and not understanding that i am not a small child that can always play UNO and climb trees with them, people on the street asking for money, wondering if ive actually accomplished anything during my service, waiting for money from the municipalidad to fund the fogon project, worrying about whether or not i will find a job when i get back to the states, people telling me i should come home already, trying to convince myself that i am ready to go home, having a long distance marriage, running low on money, 110 degree weather with no air conditioning, dehydration, diarrhea and vomiting from dehydration, ragged clothes and ugly hair....

so yes. regardless of whether or not i deserved what teodoro said, i appreciated it.

jenadore

2008-11-27T07:28:00.000-08:00

hows married life?? lately, this has been the number one question in all of my emails.

well, ill tell you how married life has been.

teo and i spent the night at a chuchi asuncion hotel with fluffy white comforters and hot showers, partly to celebrate our two month anniversary, but mostly because i wanted to erase memories of the night before.

it all started when we left my site at 2 am, so that we could spend a night in teos site before coming into asuncion. we woke up a little before 1 am, got dressed, and walked to the ruta where we could catch the bus.

due to my motion sickness, i barely slept the entire night. we arrived at teos site around 9 am, where i collapsed under the mosquito net and slept the day away. i awoke later that afternoon, and filled the rest of the day with nothing and more nothing. teo made dinner, and we snacked on watermelon for dessert.

later that night, my stomach started feeling funny. oh for the love, i how i hate going to the bathroom at teos house. he has a letrine with a wood floor, and my foot has already broken through once. needless to say, between the discomfort of squatting and the anxiety of falling through the letrine floor, i am frequently unable to relieve myself. i rolled over, told teo that i had to go to the bathroom, but i was afraid to use his letrine at night and the flashlight just wasnt enough. there are snakes and bugs and flies that could bite me AND i could fall into the letrine. couldnt i just go on the side of his house and bury the poop in dirt afterwards?? ive been camping enough times in my life to know that its perfectly acceptable, and conscious enough about my intestinal health to know that i do not currently have worms or parasites.

ok, fine. fine. i could go on the side of the house.

i grabbed the toilet paper and flashlight just in time to go outside and double over in pain. my stomach dropped. i quickly dropped my shorts and squatted. i squatted and squatted, but nothing came out. my calves started to cramp. i stood up to stretch, but then i had to go. i squatted back down, and some came out. then my leg cramped again, so i stood up and hopped around, then squatted to go to the bathroom again.

by the time i was done, the side of his house looked like a toddler had run a marathon while dumping simultaneously.

when i went back into the house, teo probably had an idea that there had been problems, but i proceeded to inform him of the events. he giggled a bit, and said that we could just cover it up in the morning. we.

and thats whats new with our married life.

me preguntan por ella

2008-11-17T06:19:00.000-08:00

oh, right.... i totally forgot that i have a blog....

i suppose i owe an update for the events of the past few months. hmm.... i got married, met my in-laws, saw my family for the first time since december, went on vacation to buenos aires, returned to paraguay and got bronchitis.... and now its 100 degrees out every day, so i just dont have ganas to make my way into the pueblo to use the internet.

as for wedding photos, you can view some at www.flickr.com/photos/ishaun

i would post more about the wedding, but i dont have a copy of the ceremony with me.... but here are my vows.....

teo, youre everything ridiculous that ive always wanted, but never thought id find. ever since i was a little girl, ive watched romance movies and wondered if that sort of love even exists. and now i believe that it does, because i see it in your face every time i wake up next to you. in your smile when you arrive at my house after hours of travel. how you always take care of me when im sick, and you never complain.

i promise to always take care of you. i promise to support you and pay attention to you. i promise to grow and learn with you, to work and to create. i promise to love you every moment for the rest of my life.

more to come later....

big brother big sister

2008-09-24T17:07:00.000-07:00

when i volunteered for big brother big sister, they said that every child, regardless of race, religion, economic status, family life, etc. etc. should have at least 6 mentors in their life.

so yeah. all of my life, im pretty sure ive had way more than 6 mentors involved at all times.

my family arrived today, in true liboon style, with 100 lbs. of stuff for me. their bags were filled with snack foods, clothes, presents for me, wedding gifts, cards, letters, everything that could have made me homesick....

as i stared at all of the stuff, i wondered, why in the world are people sending me wedding gifts? i get rewarded with presents for getting married? i feel like i should be the one giving out presents to everyone that listened to me babble over the years. after all, they molded me into a sane and date-able human being capable of functioning in a healthy adult relationship.

over the years, i sucked my friends into my love life. my family. coworkers. roommates. classmates. lab partners. parents of my friends. they took me out to dinner, where i went on and on and on about my dreamy blue eyed roommate. i went on a first date with some guy i met salsa dancing, and made him meet my best friends grandma. i went to kates house to try on a dress that i bought to woo boys, and asked her dad, "mr. d, if you were a boy and you saw me in this dress, would you fall in love with me?" i told them about the drummer that i was chasing around. i cried on their couches when roger dumped me.

.... and now theyre giving me gifts for getting married, when really, i should be the one thanking them for always being there for me and reassuring me that one day, someone like teo would come along.

keepin it classy

2008-09-12T00:12:00.000-07:00

i cant sleep. like always, johnny walker wakes me up several hours after i pass out.

not gonna lie, i cried a little on the taxi ride home tonight. my friends threw me a lovely bacheloretty party, where they dressed me up in paraguayan fashion, complete with a "mrs wood" sash, glitter and spandex. although i had a lovely time, i couldnt help but feel a little sad as the whiskey seeped into my body.

i guess i was just homesick. back in the day, weekend after weekend my minnesotan gal pals took care of me during my most ridiculous of phases. they drove me around, made sure i attempted to keep it classy, took me for late night snack runs on the way home, and never made me feel guilty the next day. i would wake up the next day to a text asking me to a breakfast date, and they would roll by my house so that we could snack at the tastiest of uptown breakfast diners as we laughed about the stupidity of the night before. remind each other of how i pulled down my pants to moon people and show them my moose long johns, silly camping trips where we forgot everything from the tent to clean water, waking up in cars sick with nothing to eat or drink but finding a new dress in my purse, bloody faces after being dropped in the sand, freak out as people returned our drunken texts and calls that we had made the night before.

this went on for years, and i more than overstayed my welcome in this phase of post-college ridiculousness, but honestly, im surprised that my friends took care of me for so long. when i announced that i was leaving for the peace corps, they continued to rally with me until my departure date. they took care of me, even though some knew that the phase was sometimes getting out of hand, knowing that they just had to make it to the departure date. then at the end, they threw me an amazing going away party and stayed with me the night before my departure.

i feel like they all knew what was in store for me, even though i quite didnt. they knew that i would be healthier and happier, and fully supported my decision. i joked around about settling down and finding a dreamy peace corps boyfriend, though i never thought it would happen. and now it did, and i feel like my friends have passed me on. now teo takes care of me, the way my friends back home did.

i guess it just feels weird. im beyond grateful that i have someone like teo, but sometimes i just miss my minnesotan buddies like crazy. its true that on the 27th i will somewhat be given away to the man of my dreams, but at the same time, he will never replace my friends at home.

thank you, minnesotan buddies. i love you like crazy.

early morning conversation starter

2008-09-11T06:27:00.000-07:00

seventh year anniversary of 9/11. do you know what that means? we've been at war for almost 7 years.

yes yes, i understand that many americans died on 9/11.... but since america decided to fight the war on terror, we've killed way more people than the number of americans that died on 9/11.

so really, who are the real terrorists? i say americans that support the war. people that vote for republicans. people that are republicans. people that are ok with their tax dollars being used to fund the war, to buy weapons and kill innocent people, and yet continue completely unaffected in their daily lives. they go to work, bitch about how hard life is because they waited an hour in traffic, how their latte was made with whole milk instead of soy, and how they cant believe how much gas prices have gone up.

perhaps i sound a little unsympathetic. yes, i feel bad for the those who lost loved ones on 9/11. im sorry. i do not, however, believe that this is reason to kill the shit out of innocent non-americans and support war.

seven years of war is more than enough. end it now.

.... or maybe americans will eventually just abolish peace corps and use its yearly budget to fund 17 more minutes of war.

misc info

2008-09-04T07:31:00.000-07:00

one possible reading for the wedding.... by pablo neruda....

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz, or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved, in secret, between the shadow and the soul.
I love you as the plant that never blooms, but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance, risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way

than this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.

st paul love

2008-09-04T06:39:00.000-07:00

yes yes, i realize that im days behind with the news in the states. maybe even months.

i started out my day by reading the blog of willikat. not gonna lie, i was had a good laugh when i found out that people protested the RNC. shit like that makes me miss the states.

i miss people exercising the right to express their opinions. i miss irrational americans that break windows, run through the streets yelling and waving signs in the air. i love rage against the machine. i miss how people incorporate grunge and rock and roll into political protests.

i understand that violent protests are somewhat hypocritical.... after all, should they be destroying the city while protesting war?? i think.... rock on all of you silly hippies. after all, whats a few broken windows and trash on the streets of st paul in comparison to all of the lives that have already been lost in the war?? maybe some minnesotans are just upset that their daily lives are being somewhat affected by the war.

its about time.

thank you, hippies of st paul.

material girl

2008-08-04T06:10:00.000-07:00

blah blah. i want stuff and more stuff and a trip to target and/or REI. its been seven months since my trip to the states, and casi another year before i set foot in target. i miss target. i miss target. i dont even care if theyre a huge corporation.

if i had one day in the states, i would buy:

-lipton to go white/green tea packets
-cool ranch doritos
-mac #7 fake lashes
-black express cotton bra tank size M
-express dark wash boot cut jeans size 6P
-target brand RENU multipurpose contact lense solution
-macaroni and cheese
-cous cous
-macaroni and cheese
-french dressing
-macaroni and cheese
-teriyaki beef jerky
-ingredients to make s'mores
-corn nuts
-l'occitane shea butter cream
-patagonia black sweater fleece
-eagle creek fanny pack
-every dress in the patagonia store
-exoficio underwear
-two person backpacking tent
-sports bras
-running shoes
-UGG sandals
-aveda "be curly"
-patagonia fishing vest

i would also stop by at lake calhoun to buy one tasty hot dog with mustard.

recent activity in cabayu reta

2008-07-03T17:38:00.001-07:00

during san juan, people try to climb a greased pole while others light fires under their butts....

it is also a tradition to burn straw, chase people around and hit them in the feet. heres a picture of me (wearing my super awesome rainbow long underwear) trying to pretend that im not scared by the flame in my hands....

id explain the reasoning and culture behind all of this tomfoolery, but my language skills still arent that great and i had no idea what the screaming children were trying to tell me in guarani.

green invitations

2008-07-03T17:12:00.000-07:00

Together with their parents

Jennifer Therese of Horse Country

Theodore Westley of Big Thorn

Invite you to celebrate the joy of their marriage

27 de septiembre, 2008

17:00 hs.

Cabayu Reta, Caazapa

mrs degree

2008-07-03T13:52:00.000-07:00

gitta and i went to the seamstress today to do a consultation about my wedding dress. vocabulary vocabulary, im sooooooo glad gitta was with me to help with the translation. although i feel rather comfortable with my campo spanish, i dont know how to say much more than ¨brush your damn teeth¨ or ¨dont touch my stuff.¨ words like ¨cleavage¨and ¨waistline¨just werent part of my vocabulary before today.

anywho, i showed her the picture and picked out the fabric.... but i didnt have too many requests, other than the fact that i dont want to look fat.... i dont want too much boobie hanging out, and i want to have a waist.

ill post a picture later....

s-i-b-l-e-y

2008-06-16T13:56:00.000-07:00

holy crap, just got a facebook request from someone trying to organize my high school 10 year reunion. 10 years. sick.

its next summer-ish, and i might be back for it. oddly enough, i dont really feel like going, mostly because i still keep in touch with the people that i care about. when i graduated from high school, i always thought that id be wicked excited to see everyone again and i wouldnt think twice about accepting the invite. then again, i also thought that i would marry roger and be a doctor.

really?? marry roger? medical school? the whole thing just makes me giggle at how silly i used to be. well, i guess im still silly and daydreamy at times, but i guess its just weird to think about how different my life turned out to be.

emm.... i realize i havent blogged in a while, but thats about all i have to share for now. not much going on, and im just too cold to think.

love to everyone at home....

iron teo

2008-05-05T16:38:00.000-07:00

heart of palm. corn. green pepper and onions. pizza sauce. flour, baking powder, warm water and oil. easy enough, right??

i stopped by at teos house yesterday on my way into asuncion. he met me in the pueblo by his site, and he picked up ingredients to make homemade pizza. crust and everything. fancy.

dry ingredients first, then water and oil. i just sat around and ate starfruit while my lovely went to work. he smashed the ingredients around and kneaded the dough with his hands. i sat around and daydreamed about how great our life would be together. i found a winner. he knows how to cook and clean. he does more than his share and never complains. yessum, i found a winner.

he covered the dough bowl with a damp towel and left the dough to rise. one hour. during this time, he cut up more vegetables and fresh avocado and made guacamole for me. tasty appetizer.

an hour later, the dough was ready. he greased up the pans and threw on the dough, sauce and toppings. a few minutes later, the two pizzas were ready to go into the oven.

my lovely bent over and opened the oven door to put in the first pan. shit. it didnt fit. after several hours of work, the paraguayan crap pan didnt fit into the stupid paraguayan oven. he stood up and looked around. i wondered if he was going to blow up. hes typically very patient, but i wondered if this would be the one ridiculous thing to make him snap. wait for it. wait for it....

he went outside for a second and returned with a hammer. why? to smash the oven? break the pan?

no no. my love just hammered in the sides of the pan to decrease the width, then calmly slid the pan into the pre-heated oven.

"why dont you write a blog about that?" he yelled gleefully as he swung the hammer over his head. why yes, lovely, i think that definitely deserves a blog.

eeewwww

2008-04-30T07:24:00.001-07:00

ew. i watched my friends kill a cow this morning while i was waiting for the bus.

eeewwww. eeewwww.

the old man and traci

2008-04-23T05:21:00.001-07:00

my hand always cramps up. never in my life have i journaled this much. and i know exactly why.

the three years of my life before i entered peace corps were filled with drama. absolutely filled with drama.... or maybe i was just overly dramatic and confused. either way, i never actually had to scratch my thoughts down on paper to help me think things through. why?? because i had the old man and traci.

incessant verbal diarrhea. if something happened in my life, they were always some of the first to find out. yes, i had my close circle friends, too.... but i worked with the old man and traci for 40 hours a week. 40 hours. i told them anything and everything, probably more than once, and i just blah blah blah blah all the time. i looked up to them. i still do. they are older, wiser, educated and open-minded. they were patient with me, gave me objective advice, yet knew when i was down and when to tell me what i wanted to hear.

i am currently surrounded by people in their mid-twenties, with little to no job experience. the majority are single and far from commitment. its ok to chat with them sometimes, but i miss having someone that i can go to for advice. solid advice. advice from people that have been there and done that, and that arent just speculating about things that theyve heard or read or seen on tv.

so yes, i would just like to thank traci and the old man. thank you for listening to me when i had no idea what i was doing. thank you for helping me to make the next steps in my life. thank you for being honest and patient with me. i miss you so much.

standfast

2008-04-23T05:02:00.000-07:00

last weekend, peace corps implemented a "standfast" in which we were ordered to stay in site until further notice due to the potential danger during presidential elections.

although the standfast lasted a mere 36 hours, the idea potential lockdown and isolation in my site immediately drove me a little crazy.... a continuous rambling of raskolnikov style internal dialogue....

main thoughts:

1. although i am getting married, i am bothered by the fact that our spiritual commitment and public profession is not sufficient for the government to recognize us as one. it is our signatures and the signature of our witness on government forms that makes our union "official." how unromantic is that??

2. i am still bothered about how my undergraduate GPA does not accurately represent my academic abilities, and i fear that it will prevent me from getting into a graduate program. yes, i am thinking that i want to go to back to school so that i can further my knowledge in social justice, poverty and health.

3. i am full of shit. when i lived in the states, i used to flip through magazines, see pictures of sexy people like jennifer lopez and beyonce and think, "sure. i would look like that if i had all the time in the world to exercise and eat right." right. here i am, one year in site, and i do not look like either beyonce or jennifer lopez.... yet i have all the time in the world to excercise. thus, i am putting an end to my bullshit. i started myself on a new exercise regimen. details to follow later....

pedagogy

2008-04-07T05:19:00.000-07:00

i feel like spanish and guarani are sucking the life out of me, or at least making me less articulate and lowering my reading comprehension in english. i was reading pedagogy last night, and there was a paragraph about objectivism and subjectivism, oppression and the oppressed, oppression and the oppressors. then he used the word solipsistic and that officially ended my love for reading. really, do you know what that means?? really?? perhaps you do if you already studied for the GRE, but the fact that i didnt know the definition of this word was enough to keep me up all night.

now, i finally have peace of mind thanks to the world wide web.

solipsism:

a theory holding that the self can know nothing but its own modifications and that the self is the only thing; also: extreme egocentrism

speaking of egocentrism, i have a little something to share....

it hurts my feelings when people dont return my emails, especially when i know that they have easy access to internet.

camp induhapi

2008-03-10T07:24:00.000-07:00

i still remember the first time that i went to camp. i was so excited to meet new friends, get away from my brother, and my friends were jealous that their parents didnt send them away. yeah, i thought i was soooo cool.

but no. i wasnt that cool. my friends eventually found out that i wasnt going to a normal summer camp. i was going to ASTHMA camp. yeah, thats right. a bunch of wheezy kids running around playing games, with nurses standing by with inhalors and nebulizers. health classes to learn about the parts of the lungs, what happens during an asthma attack, breathing techniques.... i had a good time, but it made me feel like the HUGEST geek.

luckily, all of that information is gonna come in handy!! im planning an asthma camp for the kids in my site. for those of you that dont already know, asthma is a huge problem in my site. people burn their trash and mothers cook over an open fire, and afterwards the little kids are left coughing and wheezing from the smoke. so yeah. im going to have two camps: one for the kids, and one for their parents. theyre going to learn about asthma, prevention, what they can do in their households to prevent asthma attacks and allergies, breathing techniques, proper use of medications....

now i just have to figure out a cute spanish translation for "wheezer" and ill be set.

$1,207.00

2008-03-07T06:49:00.000-08:00

$1,207.00

thats all i need.

three of my favoritest people are getting married this june. two on the 14th, and one on the 21st.... and im going to miss out because i just dont have the money for a plane ticket.

whine whine. yes, i realize that it was my decision to come here. but still. cant i luck out just this once?? perhaps discover that one of my readers is a bizillionaire and wants to pay for my ticket home and pay off my student loans? oprah!! pay attention to me and send me a gift from your angel fund or whatevers its called!!

seriously. this is so lame.

feel like im lovin you in 1963

2008-02-26T18:31:00.000-08:00

not gonna lie, i think planning a wedding might just turn me into a monster.

not because im bossy or a control freak, or i want everything done exactly the way i had imagined.... but because i just really have no idea as to what i want, i hate making decisions about details, and all of this just makes me crabby.

the other night, i watched an episode (or maybe the entire season 6) of scrubs. anywho, elliot got engaged and she had two months to plan the wedding. luckily, she had an entire scrapbook filled with pictures and pages of magazines- the flowers she had dreamed of, church, type of cake, dress, decorations, blah blah blah.

then i thought about my own life. i tried brainstorming ideas as to what to do for our wedding. i tried recalling old daydreams.... but then i realized, ive just never really REALLY thought about it.

i thought more about who the guy would be. what he would be like. where we would meet. how he would love me. where we would live. if we would become one of those really cute super old couples, where one eventually dies and the other dies of heartbreak within the next week because they cant stand to be apart. i thought about how i would write the most tearjerking vows, and how i would break down in tears as my father gave me away. i thought of my mother in a glitzy outfit with perfect makeup, attracting almost more attention than the bride.

so yeah. i guess i dont know what color i want my bridesmaids to wear or if we should have a vegetarian option at dinner. i dont know what kind of dress i want, and if i want to wear my hair up or down. but honestly, i guess i dont really care that much.

i have the man of my dreams. i love his ways for showing me that he loves me. i love that we dont know where we are going to live. i see us growing super old together, and i hope that i die first because now that i know what life is like with him, i dont want to live another day without him.

i feel like this is enough. that in five years, people wont remember the food or my dress or the ridiculous gifts. i hope that they remember the looks on mine and teos faces as we first lay eyes on eachother. that we were surrounded by all of the people that we love and care about. that they see us together, and understand exactly why we are meant to be together for the rest of time.

lonely nights

2008-02-06T09:00:00.000-08:00

thank you lizzi for the computer and the external hard drive loaded with movies and tv shows.

one year down

2008-02-06T05:40:00.000-08:00

shit. a lot has happened in a year.

quit my job. sold my car. left home and family. moved out of minnesota for the first time EVER. left my friends. made new friends. kinda learned how to speak in spanish. met teo. fell in love. swore in and became official peace corps volunteer. moved out to the middle of nowhere. lived with random families for 3 months. moved into my own house. planted a garden. bought furniture for the first time. learned how to cook and wash my clothes by hand. got engaged. went home to visit family and minnesota. came back and realized that im happy here.

ridiculous how everything worked out, right?? i guess im just the luckiest girl alive.

chuchi eterei

2008-02-02T07:53:00.000-08:00

oohhh ahhh im at carnival. granted, its not the real carnival carnival in brasil, but its good enough for me. the city is packed with people.... girls with tight chuchi outfits, guys with too much cologne, cars honking and ox carts blocking traffic. the whole thing makes me giggle. i find myself staring at all of the people, especially the women, because i dont understand how they can wear such tight clothes without being in pain. their jeans are TIGHT, and theres no such thing as denim with stretch down here. its a miracle that they can even get them on.

also, im jealous that the women down here dont have cellulite. how do i know? because they were tight short shorts that are the size of my underwear, and they leave everything hanging out for everyone to see. really, i dont understand. they dont exercise much, and they dont even walk that much. they all roll around on their motos, yet their legs are cellulite free. its not fair.

love song

2008-01-12T09:57:00.000-08:00

congratulations.... so happy for you.... isnt this too soon?? are you sure you know what youre doing?? i knew this would happen! why dont you have a ring?

yes yes, i heard a little bit of everything during my trip home. positive and negative support.... but the one general concensus: people have a hard time believing it because they havent actually met my beloved teo.

so in response to that, i will be occasionally posting tidbits about him.... things that i like, dont like, dont understand, just learned.... just more stuff about him. i realize its not the same as meeting him in person, but its a start.

so here goes....

1. i dont like how he takes pills. not that he takes a lot.... i just dont like his actual manner for taking them. he takes a sip of liquid, holds it in his mouth, THEN puts the pill in his mouth and swallows them together. he insists that he does this so that he wont taste the pill on his tongue. i think its just weird.

2. the other night after arriving in asuncion, teo and i got all dressed up to go on a chuchi date. i did my hair, painted on the make-up and put on my new outfit (including heels so high that i looked young and foolish). when i was all ready teo looked at me with the same adoring look as when i wake up next to him, allergy ridden with mucus dripping from my nose and crap crusted in the corners of my eyes.

theodore westley

2007-12-16T21:42:00.000-08:00

i always wondered what "the one" would be like. looks. personality. sense of humor. quirks. when we would meet or if he even existed.

and now i know.

he has curly blonde hair and blue eyes. kinda tall, but short enough that i can kiss him when im on my tiptoes. bright pink lips that are occasionally hidden under a scruffy beard.

he has a genuine concern for the well-being of others. hes kind and patient. he respects my intelligence. he has a dry sense of humor, but still giggles at my five year old wit. he is thoughtful, somewhat introverted, and always careful with his words.

a few days ago, he asked me to marry him.

and i said yes.

meepy

2007-11-26T11:05:00.000-08:00

so, i realize that i havent been posting as often.... and i wont have internet access again until dec 14....

anywho, just thought id let you know that i will be home from dec 16-jan 6.

let me know if youd like to play....

f u fungus

2007-10-25T10:35:00.000-07:00

so, i woke up sunday morning super excited about being rained in. nothing to do, good excuse not to leave my house, an entire day to rest up after my crocodile extravaganza.... perfect sunday, right??

wrong.

i couldnt hear with my left ear. i still cant. my right ear is ringing now too, and its driving me crazy. crazay.

i visited the doctor today, and now im going to an ear specialist. they think its a fungus. what the crap? another fungus?? first the pigment eating fungus, now this.... sick. sickk.

i love being here. i love it. i hope i get stuck here for the rest of my life and that i get every type of infection/disease/microorganism/you-name-it possible. i hope i permanently damage every organ i have and contract an infection in every orifice. eikena nde revikuape.

croc croc croc

2007-10-22T05:36:00.000-07:00

pilar. southern part of paraguay, close to the border of argentina. that was our destination.

i left my site early saturday morning to meet up with my teo in paraguari, about 5 hours away from my site. we spent the night at his place, then woke up early the next morning to catch the bus south to pilar.

crocodile hunting. i was so damn excited. the bus ride took FOREVER. yeah, the bus was rather chuchi with free water and coffee, but that didnt make the time pass any faster. luckily, i had my ipod and discman for entertainment.

fast forward.... details are boring.... we are now at pedros site in pilar.

the paraguayans warned us of the danger. no shore to watch from, no trees to hide in like we had planned. they told us that we would be in water up to our chests. we loaded shotguns, handguns, painted our faces with charcoal.... all to prepare for the adventure. teo insisted on using a traditional indiginous spear, and pedro carried a machete on his belt. i played with a shotgun as i giggled and took myspace photos of myself.

9:30 at night. it was time. we all giggled with excitement and took last minute pictures, then headed out towards the marsh. soon we were knee deep in water. i felt strange animals slithering over my bare feet, and i tried not to scream. we walked further in, and shined our flashlights to see if there were any crocodiles around. i could feel it.... i was going to lose a limb during the execution of this marvelous idea for an adventure....

silence. a paraguayan waved to signal that he had spotted a large crocodile several meters away. i freaked out and stepped back as the men all rushed forward. not fast enough, though. the large croc fled and left her baby behind. the men picked it up and played with it for a while.... but decided it wasnt worth killing. they threw it back into the water, and we went on our way.

damn paraguayans. they lied to us. we never went chest deep in water. they just wanted to scare us. they wanted to see if we would still go with them. apparently now i am a crazy girl. croc hunting is for men. not silly girls.

details details.... we didnt catch a croc. nonetheless, id say it was worth the trip....

the next day we decided it would be a fabulous idea to walk to argentina to go fishing. why?? i still dont know. anywho, we left the house early in the morning, and took off with a gallon bottle of water. no food, no snacks. just water.

ten kilometers later, my feet were killing me. we still hadnt reached the river. we had no idea how much further we had to walk. i had a popped blister that had filled with dirt, and it was starting to feel like it was infected. teo cut the rest of the skin off and cleaned out the insides for me, then taped it up with a piece of gauze and waterproof tape.

not waterproof enough, though. the tape soon fell off, and i was limping away again. damn paraguay.

oh yes, the romantic part.... my only reason for including this part in my blog....

teo hoisted me onto his back and carried me through the tadpole filled water that blocked our path. ok, several bodies of water that blocked our path. the sun was beating down on us, and i could feel his feet slipping in the mud. he never complained, though. after crossing the water, he just set me down, kissed me on the forehead, then grabbed my hand so that we could continue on our way.

oh, how i love him....

oh puke

2007-09-24T11:12:00.000-07:00

asuncion. again. yes yes, i am a weenie and i am constantly going into the capital....

halfway through my lovely morning bus ride i leaned back, stretched out my arms, and opened my mouth to yawn. as i inhaled, i felt something fly into my mouth.

what was it?? i reached in, pulled it out, and took a good look at it.

oh my, it appeared to be a chicken feather. but where in the world did it come from??

i then looked down into the aisle of the bus to find 5 potato sacks filled with live chickens.... with holes for their heads to stick out....

snakes on a plane

2007-09-07T19:15:00.000-07:00

yarara.... 7 minute killer snake.... more commonly known as a pit viper. yes friends, thats what i have in my bathroom.

3 am. i had to pee. i turned on the lights expecting to find frogs flying in my bathroom like normal.... but no. no frogs to be found. instead, a 3 ft long green snake hissing at me. hssss.... hssss.... yeah, i know. gross.

shyah. sure as shit i didnt pee in there. i went out back, pulled down my pants, and semi-squatted to take a piss. bad decision. i didnt squat far enough (due to my fear of small animals on the ground that want to bite my butt), and mid-pee a huge gust of wind came and blew my stream of pee onto my leg. seeeexy. so not only did i have a snake in my bathroom, but my leg was covered in fresh urine. its all part of the experience, right??

anywho, i went back into my house to find that the snake had disappeared. where did it go?? todavia, i have no idea. seeing as how i saw it twice in my bathroom in one day, i have a feeling that it likes to play and hide in the space between my walls.... and it comes out at night to eat the frogs in my bathroom.

siiiiccckk. i have a venomous snake in my house. needless to say, i am a total weenie. i didnt sleep at all last night, kept my light on, and told my host family this morning....

and now im in asuncion. im staying here until they fix up my house and get rid of ALL of the snakes. i have no idea how long that will take, but i do know that im not going back until the snakes are all dead or out of my house....

labor day

2007-09-03T09:17:00.000-07:00

oh, my heart. labor day is one of my favorite holidays and im missing it. i didnt even realize it until this morning when i was chatting with my buddy, and he told me that he had the day off (cause he works in the peace corps office in asuncion).

so yeah. im taking the day off and celebrating. i hopped on a bus and traveled an hour to the chuchi city nearby. i had lunch in the supermercado, and now im using the internet in a chuchi lugar with air conditioning cause its hot as shiiiiit here. im not looking forward to my walk home....

who needs boats and lakes and sun and friends and whiskey and fireworks on labor day?? im in an air conditioned supermercado. sweeeeeeet.

shes out back counting stars

2007-08-29T07:07:00.000-07:00

someone entered my house while i was in asuncion. who? why? i looked around my room, yet everything remained untouched- exactly as i had left it.

yet there were dried rose petals strewn across my floor and the faint scent of a musky perfume.

confused yet tired, i decided to let it go until the next day.

i didnt sleep well, though. i tossed and turned, feeling weird about the creepy rose petals on the floor.

"te gusta tu surpresa?" my ten year old sister asked me today.

apparently the rose petals were a surprise, inspired by something one of the kids had seen in a movie.

can i gush??

2007-08-26T08:30:00.000-07:00

just visited teo for the weekend, and now im heading back to site....

giggle, giggle, he makes me giggle.... i have a dreamy peace corps boyfriend.

make it hurt so good

2007-08-18T07:46:00.000-07:00

walking in poop. dirt constantly in my eyes. strange bugs flying out of piles of horse shit and landing on my neck. mosquitoes. large spiders. wild dogs. they just really dont bother me anymore.

frogs, on the other hand, scare the living shit out of me.

so yeah. i might have taken several shots of tequila to celebrate the purchase of my new refridgerator. i wasnt super drunk by any means, but just tipsy enough to lose all sense of rationalization.

needless to say, the alcohol eventually kicked in and i had to pee. i walked into the living room, waved at my new fridge, then turned on the light in my bathroom.

as i walked in, a frog dropped down from the ceiling and bounced off my arm then leg. i screamed and looked around.

two by the window. three on the floor. two by the water tank. one on the toilet seat.

FU frogs. i had to pee.

i tried shooing them away with a broom, but they just got wild and started flying across my bathroom.

i screamed, shut the door, then panicked.

i had to pee. i had to pee. no buckets. no bottles.

yup. i peed into a plastic yogurt cup and dumped the contents out the window.

tee dump.

to the place i belong

2007-08-09T07:23:00.000-07:00

nate left today. i got a little teary.... partially because i secretly wished that i was going back to the states with him, but mostly because he promised to come back....

im excited, though, because teo is coming to visit. oh yayy. hes going to help me build a fogon for a family in caazapa, and afterwards we are going to a despedida for a volunteer thats going home next week.

nothing else new to report.... going back to my site now....

yah sure you betcha

2007-08-06T15:45:00.000-07:00

nate and i were out to lunch at a small chuchi cafe in asuncion. we were enjoying our diet cokes and waiting for our meals when a woman approached us and said, "excuse me, but i happened to notice your accents. are you from minnesota?"

l-o, l-o, l-o, l-o-v-e

2007-08-06T07:28:00.000-07:00

ive been feeling rather emo lately. ive been out of my site for over a week. ive had the chance to visit with my friends, see my old host family, hang out with teo, eat normal food, sleep in a hotel with heat, and i have my first visitor from the states.

so yeah. emo.

when i left the states, i had three main fears:
1. family crisis in the states and not being able to return home quickly enough
2. health problems in paraguay and inadequate healthcare
3. friends forgetting about me

i feel as if i must now address fear #3.

yes, i receive packages bi-monthly from my parents. i appreciate them, yet i am not surprised by their consistency. after all, i am their favorite child. shaun can be kinda sorta ok at times, but lets face it. i am the apple of my parents eyes. ay nako, ang sarap sarap nang baby ko.... right mama??

i am, though, amazed by the support and love that my friends have shown me. yes, i know that i have ridiculously amazing friends at home, but everyone here keeps warning me.... that i should prepare myself for the day that i realize ive been forgotten. they say its inevitable.

so yeah. back to this emo thing.

i received a package today- the neska/peterson/gates/fischbach package to be exact. first of all, i have no idea how idea how they managed to pack that much stuff into the box. second of all, i was so overwhelmed by the whole thing that i had a good cry in the privacy of my hotel room.

office supplies, tshirts, soup packets, granola bars with special messages, lip gloss, latina fashion magazine (which by the way, was a fabulous idea since i have intentions of incorporating more trashy latina fashion into my wardrobe), earplugs, feminine products, photos and letters.... and more....

all of which made me cry.

then i thought about it. yep. ive cried at every care package ive gotten.

watch from lizzi. jcrew dress and sparkle toner from kate. underwear from danielle. tshirt from my dearest traci. tylenol pm from my janky fairy. not to mention other ridiculous letters and packages from my parents and aforementioned friends.

i guess i just want you to know that youre making this experience so much easier for me. im extremely happy here now, but i no longer fear returning to minnesota. i know that if i go home, i will still have the same friends. my family will always be there. i know that youre going to keep every promise that youve ever made, and that we really will still be friends.

after all.... we ride together, we die together.... right petie??

mallrats

2007-08-05T18:51:00.001-07:00

has anyone met my friend nate?? cause if you havent, you really should.

before i left for the peace corps, he promised me that he would be my first visitor. according to the rules, trainees are not allowed to have visitors. volunteers can have visitors, but only after the first three months of service.

6 months. ridiculous that ive already been that long.

so yeah. saturday was the first official day that i could have visitors.... and yes, NATE ARRIVED HERE ON SATURDAY. ridiculous. he kept his promise. he came down to the blackhole of paraguay to hang out for a week.

so far?? we've eaten american, asian, and mexican food. we havent seen, visited, or eaten anything exotic. today we spent the entire day at the mall, several hours in the food court alone.

why?? because theres NOTHING TO DO HERE.

hes visiting to my site this week. yep- 11 hour plane ride and 18 hours on a bus just so he can sit in the campo, stare at the animals, and drink terere and mate.

thank you nate. it means the world to me.

never be your beast of burden

2007-07-30T12:59:00.000-07:00

i was feeling guapa.... super guapa.... but kinda tired because i was up late the night before texting. lame, i know. anywho, i woke up around 6 am, washed my clothes, did old cheerleading routines for my morning workout, sit-ups, push-ups, made breakfast, ate and then showered.

not long afterwards, i left my charming little casita to buscar a gas tank for my stove.... but when i turned around after locking the door, i saw the most ridiculous thing....

a rugged but super lindo blonde guy walking up the road.... what?? but it was 8 am in the morning!!

yes, thats right. i have the most amazing boyfriend in the world.

he was in asuncion the night before, and i had been texting with him all night. maybe hes just random and spontanious, maybe he missed me, maybe he just had nothing else to do, or maybe hes super sweet and like a character out of a movie.... i have no idea.... but regardless, he got on a 3 am bus and traveled 5 hours to surprise me.

yes mom and dad, i believe ive found a keeper.

yeruti 103.9 fm

2007-07-22T07:08:00.000-07:00

mba'e la porte caazapa, i have my own radio show.

well, maybe its not completely mine.... but im doing the show by myself today. all by myself.

i feel rather inadequate about my language skills, nonetheless i will woo them with ridiculousness and my sexy musical selection.

i will be sharing information about dehydration, home remedies, sending saludos to my friends here, and teaching an english phrase of the week.

what is this phrase?? please believe im gonna teach them "bitch please" and all of the proper uses.

as for the playlist....

99 problems- jay-z (introduction song)

since u been gone- kelly clarkson
you dont know how it feels- tom petty
crazy- aerosmith

get off- prince
beast of burden- rolling stones
move in 2´s- sant elia

caught up- usher
extraordinary- liz phair

dont stop believin'- journey (closing song)

linea 31

2007-07-21T09:20:00.000-07:00

it was about six o´clock at night. not too late, but the sun had already set. i was on my way to the bus terminal. my bus was crowded, so it seemed safe enough. lots of working class people on their way home from a long day. just another trip to the bus terminal....

when i got up to make my way towards the door, a woman yelled, "my foot! my foot!" i turned to apologize, but she smiled at me and said she was ok. as i turned around, i felt someone pull their hand out of my jacket pocket. i looked up at the man, and before i could say something, another man pushed me off the bus.

wtf?? as the bus pulled away, i saw the 3rd accomplice looking at me. i stared right back, threw my middle finger into the air and yelled, "you chode f---er!!" granted, he probably didnt understand the chode part, but he was definitely shocked at the finger. i reached into my pocket to see what they had taken, and remembered that all i had in that pocket was my inhalor.

thats right, chodes. have fun with your prize. i hope it was worth the effort.

note to the parents: dont worry mom and dad. im safe, and i got a new inhalor right away.

smrt

2007-07-19T10:25:00.000-07:00

at the ripe old age of 26, i still dont know how to cook. i hate cleaning. the thought of folding and ironing laundry makes me cringe. i convince myself that i can wait longer to clean my bathroom if i just dont sit down and avoid all physical contact with the toilet seat.

yesterday i attempted to make popcorn for the first time. simple, right? i threw some kernals and oil into a pot, turned on the stove, and wandered off to clean my room. i figured id just turn the stove off after the popping noises subsided. simple.

not gonna lie, i might have kinda gotten caught up in a kelly clarkson dance party in my bedroom.... until i started to see smoke seeping in through the doorway. i ran into the kitchen to find kernals shooting out of the pot and smoke filling the room.

i burned my pot. i also burned the tablecloth when i removed the pot from the stove (in my state of panic) and set it on the tabel to cool off. i wasted my kernals and didnt get a tasty afternoon snack.

lessons learned:

1. use a bigger pot and less kernals
2. maybe a lid is needed??
3. avoid kelly clarkson dance parties while trying to accomplish important tasks
4. maybe i just shouldnt make popcorn

children of the corn

2007-07-17T06:54:00.000-07:00

tradition- 9 days of prayer after someone dies. 9 days. i happened to jump on a prayer reso train on the 8th day, and nothing much happened. we said the rosary, and then everyone went on their way.

day 9, though, was somewhat of a spectacle. there was singing, wailing, a huge fancy lunch, and treat bags for the kids. treat bags?? what the crap?? is this some sort of fun occasion with wailing, candy, and small plastic toys?? maybe im just not integrating into the culture the way i should be....

i had my first experience with panic this week. dont get me wrong, i love kids. i just happen to panic when things resemble scenes from "children of the corn."

i was on my way home when a little girl bombarded me with questions. where did you go? when did you get back? when are you going to visit my house? when can i come visit your house? when is your boyfriend visiting? is he still your boyfriend? who is your best friend? am i your best friend??

seriously. i just wanted to go to my house and take a nap.

eventually she went away, and i walked back to my house.

i was in the middle of taking a shower when i heard pounding on my door. i yelled that i was in the shower, but the knocking didnt subside. so i turned off the water, figuring that it was my landlord with a problem, threw on a towel and went to answer the door. after struggling with the lock for a minute so, i finally opened the door to find ten or so children running wild on my front porch.... the chaos being led by the obsessive neighbor girl. they all giggled when they saw me in a towel. i told them i was showering, and to come back another day.

so yeah. i finished showering and went to my bedroom to get dressed. i was wandering around in my underwear with a towel on my head.... nothing else.... when i saw several heads pressed up against my glass windows. luckily the windows are somewhat cloudy and they couldnt see much, but i still freaked out. i yelled at them to go away and that they were being rude and disrespectful.... and what did they do?? they started running around my house, pounding on all of the windows and doors and chanting my name to come out and play with them. this went on for quite a while before they finally gave up....

creepy, right??

so fresh and so clean clean

2007-07-13T06:19:00.000-07:00

ive been wearing the same underwear since saturday.

there was a storm while i was in asuncion and my roof leaked. i returned home to find all of my clothes, including underwear, soaking wet.

seeing as how its one degree celsius here, its just too cold for my things to dry....

cant find a better man

2007-07-09T06:53:00.000-07:00

im sick and staying in asuncion until i get better.

yesterday he walked 6 km in the thunder and pouring rain on a dirt road followed by a two hour bus ride to come and visit me.

2007-07-07T08:09:00.000-07:00

ooh say can you see....

not much news to share from paraguay....

yes, i did manage to celebrate the 4th of july here. the weather was perfect, and i felt ridiculously homesick the entire time. i felt as if i should have been on a boat, lying in the sun and drinking with my bestest of friends, flailing around with sparklers spelling out everyones names in a wave of sparkles....

i spent the weekend in asuncion with my buddies. we went out dancing on saturday night, and showed up hungover and dirty at the us embassy 4th of july party. classy, huhh?? keeping with that theme, i had some afternoon cocktails and passed out on the embassy lawn for a nap.

teo came back to my site with me after the 4th of july party, and we filled our days with chess and more chess. im determined to win a game before my two years of service is over....

NO PANTS

2007-06-28T07:14:00.000-07:00

weird. for the first time in 5 months, i completely unpacked my backpack. it felt kinda nice, knowing that i no longer have to dig around in my hiking pack every morning while getting ready. weird, though, cause i actually have a house. i have to LIVE THERE FOR 22 MORE MONTHS. i have shelves and a dresser. i have space for my books, a bed, and my guitar. i dont have to worry about being loud or disruptive, eating food that i dont want to eat.... AND I DONT HAVE TO WEAR PANTS.

not gonna lie, i shed a few tears as i hung my pictures on the wall. it felt kinda good, though, in a super cheesy avril lavigne lost girl in the middle of nowhere sort of way.

22 months. thats not that long. its less than 27 months....

chuchi

2007-06-25T06:50:00.000-07:00

seriously. i dont feel like im in the peace corps. i have electricity and regular access to internet. i have a cell phone, and i can even text message with people in the u.s. i go to social functions where they expect me to get dressed up and wear makeup. i have clean water at my site.

i am living in a country with what my friend perfectly articulated as having "the dregs of capitalism and a blackhole of a culture."

is this the tradeoff for all of my chuchi conveniences?? hmm??

last night, i laid around wondering if i would trade my clean water and electricity for a more culturally rich environment. the answer.... yes.... but theres nothing i can do about it right now. i love my site, the people, and my job.... so i guess i have to put up with awful music at 4 in the morning, deep fried tortillas, and faattty meat for 22 more months....

im only doing this cause kate tagged me

2007-06-20T07:43:00.000-07:00

Each player starts with 7 random facts/habits about themselves. People who are tagged need to write their own blog with their 7 things as well as these rules. You need to tag 7 others and list their names on your blog. Remember to leave a comment for them letting them know they have been tagged and to read your blog.

1. I have a firearm certificate, and am contemplating buying a gun
2. I was actually a groupie.... like a penny lane band-aid at one point in my life
3. I took 7 years of karate lessons with Shaun.... kee-ya!!
4. I never got over grunge
5. I feel guilty yet always laugh at tasteless Catholic jokes
6. Im not that interesting, so I only have 6 facts

my bike

2007-06-20T06:34:00.000-07:00

have you ever played chicken with a cow?? if not, i wouldnt suggest it.

it was a beautiful day. after several days of clouds, rain, and boredom, i was relieved to wake up to the sun shining into my window. i threw on some clothes, ate breakfast, brushed my teeth, and took my bike out for a ride.

i soon came up on a herd of cows blocking the dirt road. i made the "ksh ksh ksh ksh" sound to shoo them out of the way, and most of them moved. most of them.

a mother and her calf remained in the middle. i tried to steer around them, but my tire got caught in the manure and sand and i might have kinda sorta ran into the baby calf.

needless to say, this was more than enough to piss the mother off. she scared the shit out of me and chased me down the road for several kilometers.... and i was beyond relieved when she finally turned around and headed back towards the herd.

aminals

2007-06-15T11:56:00.000-07:00

ive never been much of an animal lover. i guess i never learned to like them because of my traumatic experiences with asthma and allergies, but i dont actually dislike them....

every morning, ive been waking up around 5ish to help my host family feed their animals. each animal has a different call, my favorite being ¨pati, pati, pati¨for the ducks as i throw their feed on the ground and open the pen. they all waddle out and peck away at their food, and i giggle at how cute they are. no allergies, no sneezing, just some quality time with my little buddies.

not gonna lie, last night i shed a tear at the dinner table when my host brother informed me that i was eating duck meat. i couldnt help but wonder which of my buddies was being served at the dinner table, and i dont ever want to find out. i think im done feeding the animals in the morning....

another sad animal story- my neighbors cat fell into their well and died. gross.

just cant get home tonight

2007-06-13T07:18:00.000-07:00

so, i dont know whats going on.... but i do know that im seriously falling for this guy. i thought id experienced love before, but now i think im finally discovering the difference between loving someone and falling in love....

we travel for hours to see each other. we walk down dirt roads late at night with nothing but the light from our cell phones to guide us. barking dogs scare the shit out of me as we walk down the ruta, but i feel safe just because hes holding my hand. he kisses me when im filthy. he doesnt comment when i wear the same thing for several days in a row, and i wonder if he even notices. he hauls water from the well so that i can bucket bathe. he doesnt get mad or annoyed when i ask if i can re-bathe with our last liter of clean algae-free potable water because i feel dirty and itchy from my first bath. he tells me that im smart. when im frustrated, he reminds me of why i came here in the first place. hes teaching me to be patient.

he doesnt know how i feel.... but its a good thing he doesnt have this blog site, huhh?? tee dump.

do you wanna fall apart??

2007-06-02T05:07:00.000-07:00

first of all, i would like to start off by thanking my amazing cousin danielle for sending me the kool-aid packets. such a damn good idea. ive rationed them out, and i add them regularly to my nalgene bottle to cover up the taste of the water. sooo damn good. its like i get a taste of the good 'ol u.s. of a every time the bottle hits my lips. thank you, danielle. thank you.

i had kind of a bad week. strep throat, problems at the school with the directoras, crappy weather, crabby from the lack of sleep due to the freezing cold climate, dirty cause its too cold to bathe, sick of smelling my odor, i had an allergic reaction to some candy- extreme vomiting and diarrhea (dont worry mom, i had benedryl with me), and im just plain sick of speaking in other languages. im still not ready to come home, but i would kill for a one hour shopping spree in target. im sick of crappy toothbrushes, crappy shampoo, greasy soap, watery lotion, dry skin, looking homely, my clothes having holes from hanging on barbed wire to dry, bleach spots, stretched out pants. nothing fits me anymore. i cant tell if im losing weight, or if my clothes are just being worn down and stretched out. shit. its only been 4 months. you would think my shit would last longer than that.

my other friends are planning their escape.... when and if they are gonna go home, what they would do after leaving, where they wanna live....

oddly enough, im not planning. what the crap?? i have no desire to leave. i just wanna see my family and friends. i cant even look at their pictures anymore without tearing up. earlier this week, i hid out in a field and cried for hours. it was freezing out, and i felt like a fool for standing around just crying with the animals to keep me company. it was the first time that i cried in a while, but i think its starting to hit me.... this isnt just a semester long adventure. the novelty has worn off. this is FOR REAL. not only is it for real, the people are becoming my friends, theyre setting expectations for my work, they ask me questions and ask me for help. this doesnt seem like a big joke anymore, and it kinda freaks me out. i know i cant leave, nor do i want to leave. i just miss my friends and family so much....

im shick

2007-05-30T06:26:00.000-07:00

im glad that my body has turned into a large sac of mucus. no really, everyone should experience this. its fabulous.

im still on antibiotics, but its spread to my ears. they squeak like crazy, and its driving me crazy. my strep is better, but im totally disgusted by this entire experience. i hate germs. i need a new toothbrush, and the toothbrushes here suck.... so if youre planning on sending me a love package in the near future, can you please include a colgate toothbrush with a medium soft head?? thanks. i dont have a color preference, though.

my friend katie has lice. nice. looks like we all have problems. my other good friend left last week, and im still sad about her decision to leave. oh well. best of luck to her....

monday i tried to build a garden at the school, but the whole thing seemed a little too easy. in training, i was filled with stories about how projects here take forever....

turns out its true, and now i know why....

one directora of the school hid the key to the tool shed. apparently, she wants me to build the garden at the other school, and hiding the key was her passive way of postponing my project. i explained to her that i can write another pedido and get seeds for her school, too, but apparently theres a lot of competition between the schools. lame. if they dont stop, im gonna dump out the seeds on the ground right in front of them and tell them to shove it. bitch, please. im sick, i have a fever, i miss my parents, and i dont have the patience for this. i came here to work, not to babysit and settle rivalry between schools.

not so punk rock

2007-05-28T07:27:00.000-07:00

can i complain for just one blog??

im so sick and i wanna cry. i miss my mom and dad. i miss how they would baby me whenever i was sick, and how i could just go to their house, lie on their bed, make ridiculous requests with no shame, and know that my parents would take off running to get whatever i needed.

i have a fever and strep, and i hauled my ass out of bed today to get more antibiotics and antiseptic shit in town. i love hiking on dirt roads with a fever. ive been feeling like a whiny piece of crap, so in the spirit of remaining badass, i used a letrine and wiped my ass with a corn cob. apparently thats normal here.

i have a new trick. whenever i feel like im gonna break, i go out and start a project. my throat kills, but im FINALLY building the garden today at the school.... so i cant cancel on them.

on another note....

things are looking up here. word is spreading that theres a new volunteer in town. have you ever had anyone touch you just to touch you?? no reason, theyre just interested. your clothes, your hair.... tugging on your pantlegs or turning your head to get a better look at your complexion. let me tell you, its weird.

i went to mass yesterday, and i was surrounded by kids. the whole time they were poking at me, trying to hold my arms, checking out my clothes, smelling my hair, trying to share their suckers with me, inviting me to live with them. seriously, i was so weirded out. it was sweet and all, but i guess im just not used to the attention. it just seems like the stereotypical peace corps experience....

anywho, done blogging for today. my throat hurts and im gonna go buscar for my medications.

nobel peace prize

2007-05-25T07:05:00.000-07:00

i was hoping that my thoughts would become more profound with time, travel, and isolation.... that i would come up with something amazing- a plan with the perfect execution- world peace, global warming....

but no. what runs through my head every night and prevents me from sleeping??

-dont sleep with the fan on. your throat will hurt when you wake up

-leave the fan on. its too hot without it

-my eyes wont stop itching. should i take another benedryl??

-get up. turn the fan off

-i dont understand how to conjugate in guarani. i should study tomorrow

-too many mosquitos. turn the fan on

-my throat is dry. i would kill for a sucrets lozenge. should i turn the fan off??

-chew gum. that might help

-spit it out. i dont wanna choke in my sleep

-gum helps. remember that

over and over.... night after night. goodbye nobel peace prize.

faux hippies of 2007

2007-05-25T06:55:00.001-07:00

i am so pissed off that my favorite diary broke. its made up of recycled bicycle parts, and kate gave it to me as a going away present. nice thought, kate, but f hippies and their careless design. theyre so worried about living green and recycling products and making things look hip and earthy that they dont put enough thought into a solid design. just looks. careless design leads to repairs in the future, requiring more time and resources.... thus defeating the original intent of conservation.

hijo de puta

2007-05-21T09:52:00.000-07:00

mana concert in asuncion: the best $12 that i have ever spent in my life.

lessons learned:

1. always run when everyone else is running
2. always check things out
3. my friends and i are untouchable

the evening started out kinda slow. there was a lot of rain, and talk of the show being cancelled. i was tired from my bus ride and restless night the evening before, and really couldnt have cared less about going to the show. the ticket was only $12.... would it really be a big deal to skip the show?? after all, it was just an excuse to come into asuncion for the weekend....

but we decided to go. we got ready at the hotel, then met friends for drinks and snacks at the choperia. they had jack daniels there, and i knew that the night was already looking up. i was in for an adventure.

after the meal, lorien, teo and i jumped onto a bus and got off several blocks from the stadium. we had lost the rest of our group, so we just started wandering down the street with the rest of the paraguayans. thousands of people stood in line to enter the stadium, and the line went on for blocks.... so playing fair, we started walking in the direction towards the end of the line.

then it started.... there was a break in the sea of people and the paraguayans just started RUNNING. i turned back to look at my friends- they gave me the thumbs up- and we started running with them. we screamed with laughter as we held hands running down the street.... having absolutely no idea as to what was going on.

after several blocks, the speed slowed down. we were pushed into a bottleneck at the entrace, with paraguayans pushing from every direction. the riot police were lined up pushing people with their shields, and we heard shots from their guns. the people started chanting, "hijo de puta" (translation: son of a bitch), and we just chanted and laughed with them. before i knew it, lorien had been pushed onto the other side of the barrier and i was being pushed against the shield of a riot policeman. i looked back at teo, and he just laughed and shugged his shoulders. eventually we were both pushed through.... and we walked in to find thousands upon thousands of cheering paraguayans in a stadium bigger than the metrodome. we pushed our way through the crowds, but then decided that it would be a better idea to try to find seats in the bleachers.

im sick of writing now, but i must say, the rest of the evening consisted of running around, beer, climbing barbed wire fences, swinging around poles and walls 20 feet off the ground, more riot police.... yeah. after a while, i didnt even care about seeing the show or listening to the music.

we eventually made our way to the very top of the bleachers, and i still couldnt see jack shit due to the crowds of people packed into every walkway. teo turned around and gave me the thumbs up again. i thought he meant we were going to leave, so i nodded in agreement.... but then he hoisted me onto his shoulders so that i could look down into the stadium. not gonna lie, it kinda made my heart bigger....

f earth day

2007-05-17T08:43:00.000-07:00

i think littering here is hysterical. not that i think its a GOOD thing, but its definitely entertaining to watch. people will toss anything and everything, trusting that eventually someone will clean it up or some animal will come along and eat it.

plastic bottles out of bus windows, orange peels on the kitchen floor, bananas in the front yard- and they will look at you like youre crazy if you ask where the trash can is while holding an apple core.

i once asked a woman while holding a banana peel. she took it from my hands, then threw it over her shoulder.

i laughed until i had to use my inhalor, but she just shrugged her shoulders and went on with her day.

he just grinned and shook my hand

2007-05-12T07:13:00.000-07:00

meh. just another average day. it was kinda crappy out this morning, so i decided to come into town for the day. im going to a fiesta at the hospital at noon, so that should be entertaining.

im trying to upload pictures right now, but it just takes so damn long. 20 something pictures to load, but i doubt ill have the patience to load all of them....

i still have my fungus rash, but my host mom seems to think its getting better. oh well. i guess it doesnt bother me too much, and i get another free trip to asuncion for my check-up. nice.

i love bus rides. theyre so damn entertaining. the bus drivers always want to chat, drink terere, and give me crap about being from the u.s. i get to ride in the front (which is great for my motion sickness), and they tell me that i can have free bus fare for the next two years if i promise to take them back with me. so ridiculous. my friends and i have developed a new system for rating the buses- points for religious stickers, driving skills, charisma of the driver, cleanliness, decorations, etc. i have yet to find the perfect bus, but i have two years to search....

my new host family is growing on me. they seemed kinda quiet at first, but i think i had just gotten used to living with a bizillion people. i miss the noise and the ridiculous dance parties. i miss my old host dads temper. every morning i would wake up to him freaking about something, and my host mom shushing him because she thought he would wake me up. i miss telling secrets to my host brother and gossiping with my sister. seriously, i think i only picked up on the language because of my interest in knowing the local gossip and chisme.

im going to mass again tomorrow. i dont understand a thing thats going on because its said in guarani, but ive found that its a useful way to learn the language. everything is the same, and i try to figure out whats going on based on my memories of going to church every week in grade school. i schmooze with everyone afterwards, and i usually get invited somewhere for lunch.... lovely. i still hate cooking.

tomorrow is mothers day. happy mothers day mama!! i probably wont be able to call, especially since everything is closed on sundays. oh, sad day. ill try calling later this week....

this saturday im going into asuncion for the mana show. soooo excited. my friends and i are staying in the hotel for two nights so that we can have an extra morning to sleep in. hotel visits are always fun- all on the same floor, and its like we're in the college dorms again. people here wake up between 4 and 5 in the morning, and i wake up early so that they dont think im lazy. blah. no wonder im always tired.... so excited to sleep in....

oh yeah. some of you may know.... but i might as well make a public announcement since the information is already in the peace corps paraguay chisme circuit.... yes, i am kinda dating someone. odd. its been a while since ive been in a normal relationship. well, i dont know how normal this one is.... hes 7 hours away by bus, and i only see him when we meet up in the city. we cant afford phone calls, so we just send texts.... just like seventh graders. oh well. hes normal, though. i think. he has blonde curly hair and blue eyes.... intelligent, funny, proof that chivalry still exists.... but in a feminist non-sexist sort of way. he makes me laugh, and puts up with my ridiculousness.... vomiting in bars, never knowing where im going or where im supposed to be, crappy language skills, allergies.... i dont know where this is going, but oddly enough, im not running like usual. sketch. ill keep you updated.

'til i kiss you next time

2007-05-10T07:25:00.000-07:00

i hitched my first ride on an oxcart today. not gonna lie, i giggled the entire time.

i got back last night from asuncion last night. its freezing here, and im looking for winter clothes today. lame. what happened to subtropical weather??

i have a bunch of letters to send, but i cant seem to find a damn post office.

seriously, things are so backwards here and i havent gotten used to it. the tshirts dont stretch. the deoderant makes me sweat. the soap is greasy, and i feel dirtier after i bathe. people say "adios" instead of "hola" when theyre passing by. people eat chipa and empanadas all the time, yet they never seem to get sick of it. they dont use condiments. they believe that spicy foods make you horny, and they believe that eating oranges before drinking terere might make one explode.

nonetheless, i finally feel happy. i cant imagine doing anything else with my life at this point in time. my new site is beautiful, and my contacts are intelligent and hard-working. crazy. i went from hating this place to absolutely loving it. maybe im just indecisive.... or maybe im quick to judge. whatever. im happy now. i can see why they refer to this place as the hotel california....

so lonesome i could die

2007-05-08T11:09:00.000-07:00

so, im in asuncion for the day. i came in to get my allergy and asthma medications.... and to show them my rash....

disgusting. i thought it was a rash.... maybe dry skin. turns out its a fungus from the humidity. it itches like crazy, and now im totally disgusted with my skin. sickk.

i dont have much internet access at my site, so i guess ill just randomly be updating my blog with journal entries....

IM AGING- 05 mayo 2007

a few years ago, i read an article in a beauty magazine that suggested that women should start using anti-wrinkle cream in their early twenties. i laughed and tossed the magazine aside, thinking it was just some sort of marketing scheme for anti-wrinkle cream. stupid capitalists. they shouldnt target women all the time.

now i regret laughing.

after only 3 months in paraguay, i look like death. my once flawless pacific islander skin now has fine lines. maybe i just never noticed them before. maybe i have more time to pay attention. nonetheless, i have wrinkles and my eyes are always puffy. im sure this will lead to some sort of permanent bags under my eyes, and i am not happy with the idea.

i am 26. when in the world did i turn 26?? ill be 28 by the time im done, and pretty soon im gonna look like a hunched over asian lady with scruffy hair. people will wonder why i dont have an accent. ill be 4'11" because i cant stand up straight.

i think i should go for a run tomorrow.

sit-ups. running. healthy diet. someone please send me some hypo-allergenic anti-wrinkle cream. i dont want to look old.

07 mayo 2007

i am impressed by my ability to entertain myself. maybe im creative- or maybe im just easily entertained.
its raining today, and ive spent the morning accomplishing absolutely nothing. i studied a page of castellano, wrote letters that i may never send, made a playlist on my ipod, texted with my buddies, had a dance party, swept my room, showered, and read a few pages in my book.

im anticipating the day that i am completely fluent in castellano. its coming soon. i can feel it.

i miss my green sketch book. thick white paper. charcoal. i tried drawing the other day on recycled computer paper with actual charcoal, but it just smeared. damn it. i miss my pastels, too.

new addition to my diet- ants. why?? because theyre everywhere and ive given up on picking them out of everything. theyre all over my food. theyre in the sugar that i use for my coffee. wait, when did i start drinking coffee?? about a week ago when i arrived at my site. im exhausted during the day. dogs and chickens fight at night. i tried to take a nap this afternoon, but there was a cow screaming into my window. i didnt even know that cows could scream before today....

maybe ill call or write you a letter

2007-04-30T05:38:00.000-07:00

goodbye internet, hello isolation.

leaving for my site in a few minutes, and im not gonna see my buddies until the 4th of july. oh, sad day....

its official

2007-04-28T09:26:00.000-07:00

nice. i swore in yesterday, and i am officially a peace corps volunteer.

super badass.... i made the papers today. dont worry mom and dad, i bought several copies and i will be sending them to you so that you can add them to my shrine. theres a picture of me shaking hands with the pseudo super doble vice president of made up affairs from the united states. he was the guest speaker yesterday at the ceremony, and apparently hes kind of a big deal. so yeah. by association, that makes me kind of a big deal.

moving to my new site on monday. wicked nervous, and im not looking forward to hauling all of my shit to my new house. they promised me an oxcart or some sort of help with transporting my stuff, but who knows....

Cabayureta, Caazapa

2007-04-16T11:03:00.000-07:00

so, i didnt have internet access this week during my site visit.... but heres a bunch of my journal entries....

NIGHT 1

i turned off the lights, wrapped myself in my mummy sleeping bag, turned on my ipod and cried myself to sleep.

NIGHT 2

im almost glad that i have poor vision. when i remove my glasses at night, i no longer see the bugs around me. add the ipod, and i become deaf and blind to my surroundings.

one benedryl and a shot of whiskey later, i can fall asleep pretending that i am at my old apartment.... underneath my canopy, satin sheets, bridget upstairs, and all of my friends and family just a phone call away.

i saw a shooting star tonight, and i was lame enough to make a wish.... and for some reason, i actually convinced myself that it would come true.

like a beauty pageant contestant, i wished for world peace and sustainable non-westernized development so that i could return home early with a clear conscience.

MY SWEETEST DOWNFALL

today as i walked to my new home, i had to giggle as i heard "imagine" blasting from a tiny house on the side of the road. i felt as if i should play into the stereotypical hippie peace corps moment, so i flashed a peace sign at the next person passing by on a moto. i laughed until i had to use my inhalor, then i continued on my way.

on a different note, i had a ridiculous encounter with panic this morning. i had the shits. again. this time, the panic onset during my 45 minute wait for the bus.... another 15 minutes on the ride to the hospital in caazapa, and i jumped out of the vehicle and ran to the nearest bathroom, hiked up my skirt, and sighed with relief as i shit my guts out.

then i realized.... public restrooms in paraguay dont have toilet paper..... even in hospitals. wtf?? i panicked again as i rumaged through my purse for kleenex, tissues, napkins.... but all i found was a handfull of receipts.

DAY 4

ive always feared becoming a person with too many animal and poop stories, but alas, the day has come.

i woke up wicked early this morning to a cow outside of my window, the sunshine streaming in, a rooster screaming at me, and a gorgeous breeze.... not too hot, but warm enough to remind me of my subtropical surroundings. nice.

i ate breakfast, helped my host family make cheese, went to the well to get water, and bathed. i brushed my teeth with the leaf-contaminated well water, then brushed the little bits of grass off of my body when i was done drying off.

laundry day?? yes. i had nothing better to do.

i went to the well to get more water. i washed and rinsed my clothes in a small basin on the ground, about 6 inches in depth. too much time on my hands?? yes. so i decided to rinse one more time with fabric softener. oh yes. just like im back in the states.

one more trip to the well for the final rinse.... but when i returned, i found a chicken pooping in the basin of my perfectly laundered clothes.

FU chicken. i am not a vegetarian, and i will eat you before i leave this country.

other ridiculous animal news- im not allowed to drive a car or motorcycle, but I AM allowed to ride horses.

shit duder, thats right. im gonna get me one of them real nice horses....

randoms

2007-03-31T09:49:00.000-07:00

highlights from the past week....

one morning, i woke up to a chicken screaming in my room.

i accidentally put my hand in a clump of rotting maggots and i didnt even scream.

we built a fogon, a latrine, and gave our first charla in spanish.

last weekend, i had my first experience with the infamous cana. everyone was right.... it is super strong, and i got wicked sick. i threw up at the bar, and had to pour flush my vomit down the ªmodernª toilet (which consisted of dumping buckets of water down a shit stained toilet). by the time i was done, i was so grossed out that i vomited again.

tee dump.

fall down at your feet

2007-03-24T14:03:00.000-07:00

yesterday i was hit by a strong wave of homesickness. i have no idea where it came from, but the onset was strong and unexpected. maybe it was due to my frustrations with training. missing my family and friends. lacking a trustworthy and local support network. being sick of all the music on my ipod. consistent diarrhea. dehydration. going through 6 weeks of training and still having no idea about what my site will be like. emails decreasing in quantity. unreturned messages. feeling like some people back home are moving on and forgetting about me. not knowing what to do, i resorted to my favorite and most practiced remedy.... drinking.

i went to the old school nintendo bar after class with some of my new buddies. before i knew it, i was slamming beers like a 19 year old sorority girl with a fake i.d. i caused scenes. drew unwanted attention to the grupo de norteamericanos. i dropped beer bottles and broke a glass. i slurred my spanish and lost control of the volume of my voice. soon afterwards, my friends cut me off and loaded my borracha ass onto the nueva italia bus.

i returned home, and my host family knew immediately. i didnt bother hiding my state of being. i sat down at the kitchen table and burst into tears. i tried explaining my frustrations, but the assumed that i was crying about a guy.... because here, novios are of upmost importance.

so yeah. training was beyond painful the next today. i had language class for 4 hours, and i spent the afternoon listening to a lecture about upper respiratory infections.

when i returned home, my host family screamed with laughter as they discussed the events from the night before. they immitated my slurred accent, and tried to pry information out of me about ªwhich guyª i was crying about.

my host father pulled me aside and said, ªdont cry anymore. a guy isnt worth crying about. he was dumb enough to let you go, and now you are here and we are enchanted by you. in two years when you return to your home, we will be the ones crying.ª

so yeah. he was totally wrong about the guy thing.... but nonetheless, his intentions were sweet and his comment about paraguay made my heart hurt....

wildflowers

2007-03-18T07:42:00.000-07:00

theres nothing more disturbing than waking up to the sounds of a pig being slaughtered. yesterday, i was awakened at 5 in the morning by a screaming pig. the ruckus continued for a good 15-20 minutes before the noise finally stopped. sickk, yet i am still not moved to become a vegetarian. i dont understand, though, why they insist upon doing such a thing so early in the morning.

i had a wicked good time on my volunteer visit. i confronted my fears of small spaces and germs, and repelled into the bottom of a well. i stood waist high in murky water, and had my first experience with laying brick. i was fine for a while, until i realized that i was surrounded by toads and black hairy spiders. i finished a row of bricks before i freaked the shit out and climbed back out of the well.... and i was screaming with laughter by the time i reached the top. i lost all strength in my arms because i was laughing so hard, and the other volunteers had to pull me out....

on another note....

so yeah. im a mooch, but i promise ill pay you back somehow after i move home....

i will love you forever if you send me:

-dried mangoes
-dried apricots
-MUSIC
-chocolate chip granola bars
-extra fine point permanent markers
-duct tape
-aveeno lotion (green tube- target makes a generic brand)

oh.... the ants are eating my bras and underwear and im too freaked out to purchase stuff from the market (because theres flies and bugs EVERYWHERE).... i know its a lot to ask, but if you really love me, please send me some so that i dont have to wear undergarments with bugs and larvae. sizes: underwear- medium, bras- 34DD

ca ca kua

2007-03-13T15:21:00.000-07:00

PLEASE SEND ME MUSIC AND EXTRA FINE POINT PERMANENT MARKERS.

markers and music suck here, and quality shit is hard to find. yeah, ive only been here for a month.... but i have no pride, and im totally cool with begging.

love you.

read between the lines

2007-03-10T10:54:00.000-08:00

someone stepped on a small frog today. we heard a loud popping noise as the carcass (completely intact minus the epidermis) shot into the air. the skin stuck to the bottom of my friends shoe, but the carcass landed a few feet away.

i didnt check to see if the frog was ok or retained any signs of life, but i did throw up in my mouth as i turned to walk away.

on another note, life here is still ridiculous. the people of paraguay are incapable of giving a straight answer. its rather annoying, but at the same time, its growing me. i feel as if each day is full of more bullshit than the day before, and im starting to enjoy giving people the run around.

this morning i washed my face in the rain. its been raining since last night, yet the running water doesnt work. nothing here makes sense. people like to read fashion magazines, yet the magazines arent current. everyone loves to gossip, but theres nothing to gossip about. people stop by to visit, yet no one talks. they just sit around sipping terere and staring into space.

amazing.

on the radio

2007-03-08T11:59:00.000-08:00

people play their music at all hours of the day. they arent considerate about volume, and the same 5 songs keep me awake every night. between the fighting dogs, roosters, loud music, and mosquitoes, i dont get much sleep at night. the music here is so ridiculous that ive been inspired to write the chorus of my first monster ballad.

baby, just meet me
down that red dirt road
far enough away
so that nobody knows

though i know we shouldnt do this
i think its worth a try
because im dying to find
a little peace of mind....

im hoping that it will be the next paraguayan hit.

p.e.t.a.

2007-03-06T12:58:00.000-08:00

so, ive been here for 20 something days. two people have gone home, and a third is leaving next week. one guy is already dating a paraguayan, and the drama is starting. i have a crush on someone, but i dont know if im actually gonna do something about it. probably not, though, cause im gonna be stuck with the same people for the next two years.

im feeling better about my decision to stay. im nervous about moving to the campo, though, because then i will be completely isolated from the other volunteers. ill probably get to see them once every month, but thats still not a lot of contact....

so yeah. im kinda wondering when and if ill break. the other day while i was walking home in the pouring rain, a chicken stood in front of me and wouldnt get out of the way. it was taunting me.... trying to prove that it wasnt afraid. so i ran at it, which is usually enough to scare chickens away. instead of fleeing, the chicken just stood there and i ended up running into it and pseudokicking it.

i cried. for some stupid reason, kicking a chicken was enough to make me cry. maybe i was frustrated with classes and training.... or maybe i was sick of the language barrier.... the hot sun or the pouring rain....

.... but now that its all over with and a new day, i think its ridiculously funny that i sobbed about kicking a chicken. f chickens. they suckk.

couldnt start a fire to save my life

2007-02-27T07:09:00.000-08:00

lame, but i feel rather proud of myself for making it back by myself. i just spent a few days in achotei, which is a campo right outside of quindy.... about three or four hours away from tekuruty. i had to switch buses several times, and i even had pleasant conversation and shared terere with the bus driver on the last leg of my trip.

i had a lovely time.... i drank unpurified yellowish water from a well, bathed with a bucket and a cup, watched someone slaughter the head of a cow.... i slept in a hammock for several nights, and confronted my fear of frogs and toads. sickk. a small toad even jumped into my shorts while i was using the latrine, and i got so freaked out that i fell backwards and my butt fell into the hole in the losa. sickk. i am definitely in need of a shower.

apparently, i give off the impression that i am ªletrada.ª well, i think thats how its spelled. some of the people here say that they think i am smarter than i let on, and that i use language as a means of manipulation. kinda like a spy. i totally had to giggle about that one. they think i know stuff because i pretend not to understand spanish, but then say common phrases in guarani. sometimes i add a filipina accent to my spanish, and i guess it makes me sound like a rich girl from asuncion. oohhh, so entertaining. theyve been calling me ªmorachaª as well, but i guess thats a good thing here. it translates as ªlittle brown girl,ª and im hoping that it will work towards my advantage later in the game.

i visited a hospital during my stay in achotei, and the sight of pipettes made my heart hurt. i miss my labmates. i know that i signed on to do rural health, but im thinking that i want to request a site near a hospital. it probably wont be too rural, but i really want to work with the doctors and nurses. i guess that diphtheria is a problem here, and theyre trying to develop campaigns for increasing awareness and education. so yeah. no hiv work, but diptheria sounds just as badass.

mmm.... im going back to shower now....

punk rock girl

2007-02-22T12:22:00.000-08:00

so yeah.... im guessing youre wondering about my change in attitude.

honestly, i just realized that i waited for so long just to get to this point that really, i cant turn my back now.

i am disappointed that im not doing as much hiv education stuff as i would like.... but im starting to see why education about dental health and parasites is so important in a place like this. little kids run around without shoes, and risk getting parasites and worms. other kids have no idea how to brush their teeth or any knowledge about the importance of fluoride.

the average kid here only goes to school through 6th grade. they only attend classes for half days.... from about 7 in the morning til 11. thats not much time.... and it might be the only opportunity for them to learn about the importance of dental health and hygiene.

so yeah. i dont think i can turn my back now....

take me home, country road

2007-02-21T07:20:00.000-08:00

sooooo.... not gonna lie, im having a ridiculous time now.

not sure.... but i think im gonna stay:)

picture is starting to fade

2007-02-19T11:34:00.000-08:00

really, all i can do at this point is laugh at everything. my body hates me for being here, and im being punished with a wicked case of heat rash. hydrocortisone isnt working....

i feel like i want to go home, but i dont want to disappoint myself or others. i was well aware of what i was getting myself into, but now that im here, two years seems like a really long time.

my aunt is in the hospital. my grandma is sick. i dont know if i should go home. i feel as if im being ungrateful for my family at home, and like im placing more value on complete strangers instead of spending time with loved ones.

imiss not wearing pants. late night phone calls. anticipating messages. myspacing at work. breakfast with the old man. telling traci everything about everything. hiding out in the bathroom and listening to my ipod. making playlists. screaming with bridget. holding kates hand. hot dogs with pete. inappropriate conversations with neska. breakfast at the sunny side with lizzi. flirting with accent guy. damn it. i should have asked him out before i left. visiting my parents. annoying my dad. competing with shaun for no apparent reason. feeling the need to run away. satisfying friendships. intellectual stimulation. driving the civic. playing the guitar late at night by the lake. open mic nights. giggling like crazy at balls. trips to cheapo. ultimate kayaking. petes cabin.

no one here understands my sense of humor. i feel displaced from happiness as i know it.

hurts to live without

2007-02-18T08:24:00.000-08:00

so, im totally rethinking my decision to join the peace corps. im still having a ridiculous time, but really, its making me realize how amazing my life was in minnesota. my friends and family are amazing, i had a job with coworkers that i actually liked, and now i just feel like an ungrateful jackass. i thought that by leaving i would be able to be effective in helping others, but i think that i can be just as effective at home.

i think my body hates me for being here. my asthma and allergies have been bothering me, and ive been shitting blood. gross detail, yes, and the doctor made me go into the main city for some tests. i guess the same thing happened to another volunteer, so i dont feel that bad. ive also had a urinary tract infection, and my body is covered in heat rash. perhaps this is enough of a sign....

im kinda bitter, too, because the program is nothing like what my recruiter described to me. i wont be doing that much hiv education, nor will i be educating people about vaccines or assisiting a midwife. i guess some of that stuff may come later down the line, but its not definite. i guess i just feel like im being jerked around, which is really irritating. i recognize that all of our programs to contribute to the betterment of the country, but at the same time, i dont feel as if i would be very effective building latrines and fogones. i respect the people that are willing to do such a thing for two years, but at the same time, i feel as if i would be more effective volunteering for hiv organizations in the united states..... i should have listened when people told me that volunteering is volunteering, regardless of the location....

so yeah. dark and pessimistic news to share. on a brighter note, i did meet a super dreamy guy the other day when i was in asuncion. he is a peace corps volunteer, and hes been here for a year. i dont know when or if ill see him again.... but i must say, hes definitely one of the dreamiest guys that ive seen in quite a while....

the outdoor type

2007-02-15T04:26:00.000-08:00

so.... ive been here for a little over a week. i have no idea what im doing, and we're just starting to learn about the jobs that we will be doing at our sites. i have four hours of language training every day, and my spanish is absolutely awful.

my host family is ridiculously nice. i have a two older brothers and a younger sister. my father and cousin often play the guitar and sing for me, and we spend a lot of time playing our guitars and drinking terere.

i spend my afternoons studying and taking siestas on the hammock hanging from the mango tree in my front yard. the other volunteers have been playing a lot of soccer with the kids, but i havent played because of my asthma.... and its soooo damn hot down here. i am constantly sweating, and i bathe several times a day.

the light in my bathroom doesnt work, so ive been wearing my headlamp while i bathe. its highly entertaining, but its hard to see the moths and frogs. sometimes they come out of nowhere and scare the shit out of me.

theres a huge party in our town this saturday, and im wicked excited. the kids think its funny to watch americans dance, and i usually just make an ass of myself. oh well. its entertainment, right??

yeah yeah, since u been gone

2007-02-04T18:29:00.000-08:00

my bags are packed. the grand total:

hiking pack: 47 lbs

carry-on: 8 lbs

guitar case (with some extra shit inside): 10 lbs

im pretty sure that i underpacked, but im just so sick of packing....

my going away party was ridiculous. my favorite gifts: a tiara and a sash with "miss paraguay" ironed on in fuzzy red letters. i wore them the entire night, and by bar close, i was totally "that girl" as i sat on a barstool sobbing uncontrollably in my miss paraguay costume. the goodbyes made my heart hurt, and im totally dreading the final goodbyes tomorrow....

just another person

2007-01-08T13:12:00.000-08:00

i saw this survey on kate's site, and since she's my bff, i figured its more than appropriate to copy her....

1. What did you do in 2006 that you’d never done before?
went on roadtrips with strangers, accepted my invitation to the peace corps

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
i only promised myself that 2006 would be more ridiculous than 2005, and i think that 2007 is going to be pretty badass

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
nope

4. Did anyone close to you die?
thankfully no

5. What countries did you visit?
no new countries- though i did visit nate in new york, susan in maryland, bish in chicago, and random other road trips

6. What would you like to have in 2007 that you lacked in 2006?
love. i know i always ran away before, but i think its time....

7. What dates from 2006 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
november 24- when i received my invite to pc paraguay

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
finally deciding to pick up and move away- and proving to myself that im not just full of shit

9. What was your biggest failure?
i try to forget about all of my failures....

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
ummm.... not really, but this summer i was tested for lupus.... and i did test positive for tb exposure.... and ive had high enzyme counts for the past few months, so i might have some sort of illness that im unaware of

11. What was the best thing you bought?
my osprey backpack, though my favorite gift is probably the headlamp from shaun

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
kate- for tolerating me this october when i totally freaked out on her

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
bono and jeffrey sachs

14. Where did most of your money go?
bills and pc stuff

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
getting my pc invitation, trips to see nate and susan, roadtrips (although i did get a $214 speeding ticket.... i must have been really excited to see him....)

16. What song will always remind you of 2006?
i agree with kate- since u been gone

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:  a) happier or sadder? happier- though sad about moving away  b) thinner or fatter? kinda thinner, but im trying to gain some weight c) richer or poorer? kinda richer, but only because ive been saving for pc travels and student loan payments

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
travel, ditch work, play outside, study spanish

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
n/a

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
hopefully with my family in minnesota, but i might have to meet up with them in florida

21. Did you fall in love in 2006?
no, but i did have a ridiculous incident of falling in lust

22. How many one-night stands?
none

23. What was your favorite TV program?
really, i didnt watch much tv this year. sometimes i would sit around with my roommate in the living room, but i never really paid attention

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
no, but i am super mad at him

25. What was the best book you read?
well, i wouldnt say it was good, but jeffrey sachs definitely pissed me off

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
embracing my love for kelly clarkson. i cant stop listening to the chemical brothers, though....

27. What did you want and get?
hiking boots, chacos

28. What did you want and not get?
a horse- and im blaming all of my friends for not loving me enough

29. What was your favorite film of this year?
the constant gardener

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
i turned 26, and miss neska planned a month long celebration for me

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
being able to say a proper goodbye

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2006?
ridiculous.... like a 5 year old that has no concept of matching or style

33. What kept you sane?
thoughts of moving away

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
meh?? im not really into that

35. What political issue stirred you the most?
people being b-holes about legalizing same-sex marriage

36. Who did you miss?
you have one guess- but i just need to get over it:(

37. Who was the best new person you met?
brandon. definitely brandon:)

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2006.
im kind of a big deal

39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

one thing i know for certain
is youre one hell of a person
to be someone it hurts this much to live without